Update

Well it has been a couple of days since I posted.  I think this is going to be very useful for me.  This way I can poor all my little meaningless thoughts into here and quit telling others who I know it doesn't matter to.  Anyway, that isn't self loathing, I am just trying to change some things to make my world better.

Everyone is healthy, Finally.  What else, Oh I have given the paperwork to 2 didfferent French speakers & I hope to have it translated by the beginning of next week.  I have a new sense of urgency about this situation.  I have always had peace in my heart that Tatiana may not be in our home, in our direct love, & have our opportunities but at least she was in a good place by their standards.  She gets a place to sleep, food everyday, the opportunity for an education, and love.  Problem; I just read Ashley's blog today and one of the older girls came home from school and a classmate did not perform well on a test.  The punishment was, since no one in the class helped this child to make sure he knew the information, everyone in the class was hit with a switch.  2 lashes for everyone, the girl with Ashley had a huge welt & the second blow took skin with it.  OMG is this what my baby is subject too????  I know she is in a very good place by compairson but I still can't stand the thought of that happening to a child & especially not our child.  Tatiana we are coming to get you AS SOON as we can get there.

We had a marital crisis this week.  It was actually the first time in 12 yrs. we discussed one of us packing up and leaving.  The problem is that it took things going that far for me to understand I have been disrespecting my husband for 15 yrs.  I hate that is comes to that, but they say that sometimes things must hit bottom before your eyes are opened.  I truly hope that my eyes have opened enough that I don't ever forget this time.  I know Brian hopes I will change how I respect (or lack there of) him, but I also know he can't believe me at face value when I say I will change.  He has hoped I would change for 15 yrs., & I have also promised to change before & I have gotten lax because I thought I passified him long enough that it didn't matter any more.  It turns out that it did matter but he just didn't have the desire to nag & nag until I did what I said I would in the first place.  I am now reading a book called "Love & Respect".  I want to learn how to respect my husband and what respect means.  I just know he has had trouble with telling the whole truth before & I can only hope he is telling me the truth this time.  I guess we still have some issues to work out before we can be considered "happily married" again.  :( sad but true.  It is all I want in the world.

We will see how it plays out.